( it's frightening to think that Tim is at the epicenter of this whole mess&nash; not because of blame or pointing fingers, nothing of the sort but rather for how infinitely harsher it must be to feel all of this in his skin )

( his affirmation is met with silence. the lump in Brian's throat is getting harder to swallow but he can't find it in himself to let go of him or respond defensively. in his defense, there is no defense.

whatever happened, he often wondered, might have just brought out the bad in him. in trying to do good, he showed his worst, did his worst. )

... I should have never done that to him.

( because maybe he was only half-there, but that's enough to make him complicit in the hooded man's actions. he was half-there but not fighting half as hard as he should have to stop Jay, to stop Alex, to stop- to stop anything that unfolded. )

( you did right in pushing us off. )

It's all so... ( complicated? that's hardly the word - it's a gross understatement. ) We were so desperate and not... Thinking right. But I- I should have done something to avoid it.

( his lungs feel like they're made of stone and breathing gradually becomes a herculean task; he's so tired but so... ashamed? that might be the word. or, half-ashamed. in his mind there's a faint clicking, the bony sound of an impatient jaw. a low hum. the knot in his stomach feels tighter. )

I'm... You have no idea how sorry I am.

( but how sorry are you? )